ROLLER COASTER

ANGER AND REALIZATION;

 I would wake up early in the morning around 4:00 am, sit in the corner, clinging to things that happened, diverting my mind and taking a book to read, shift to exercise, turn the radio on and  turn it off. Rush to the bathroom to brush my teeth, down to kitchen make myself tea, make breakfast. Anything, anything to get away from that situation,... from what? I don't know what, but I knew I was escaping. 

Life was so easy back then; I would get up late, call for my mother for coffee. Serving the breakfast right in my hands and taunt her for seasons that would go less for me. 'Ma, why do you put so less salt in kichidi, it doesn't taste good at all.' And for once 'Ma its too much salt in it, too much salty. You alone have this, I am going out for lunch with friends.' But my mom being so nice all the time would never say a word to me. She would always reply politely in soft and low voice: 'Beta please adjust for once.'

And now when I am struggling here making chapati, my elder son Ritesh complaints: 'Ma why are your chapati's so hard, Its difficult to chew them even.' I replied, reddening, oh! yes, now you are teaching me, how to make chapati's? Feel lucky at least they are round in shape. Now shut up and eat.'

Rajesh, my husband, being busy all the time with his laptop, office work stopped looking after me like a kid which he used to when we were seeing each other because not to mention to mention; 

''We have kids who are kids''. 

You understand things when you see yourself in that situation. 

Rajesh and Radha these two names sounded like a made in heaven match after my parents Vardhan Rathore and Vanditha Rathore. Their love story was my inspiration. I calculated always and matched Rajesh next to my father, a surgeon. I always wanted to have love marriage. Unlike arranged marriage where couples fight, blame their parents, or partners for things that had gone wrong. But love marriages are all about choices and respecting them. Their's when a women can be give thought to take her own independent decisions supported by her partner. 

When we both decided to get married and take our love further, we were termed the bold and modern couple because it wasn't that easy during that time. People of 90's believed in arranged marriages and its customs. My parents were liberal and so left me to decide anything and everything by myself unlike, Raj's parents. When he introduced me to his mother, I could make out that she didn't really like me because she wanted to choose girl for Raj herself and this was coming as good as shock to her.

After our marriage, I moved to their house, following the custom. Raj's brother was going abroad for his higher education. So, only Raj, me and his parents were left in this big house.

I could hardly see Papa ji at home, who kept busy in doing social works for which he was planning to enter politics

For a girl like me, being a single child who's grown up with whole attention and love from parents, with utmost endearment and care becomes difficult to play my role as daughter- in -law in this Marwadi family. 

I quickly woke up, as I saw the time, (it was past 7:30) my heart started beating fast. Rushed, freshened up and going down to kitchen looking at mummy ji's witty grinned face, as I woke up late again. She's got that sarcastic lines to express how bad she feels for agreeing to this marriage. 

Everyday I tried hard to make it up to her, but all goes in vain.

Once she asks me to clean the entire house, once the vessels, once the clothes, inspecting, taunting and murmuring behind me. With her behavior I was always left puzzled, 'why does she make me work like a slave?'

 Yelling at me, Radha, 'Jaldi aao, yaha pe kachra hei phir se jaadu maaro' I might have swept there thrice but her eagle eyes will surely find dirt.

 I munched and swallowed my words that were ready to flood out and replied: 'Haan mummy ji'.

This happened every single day after Raj and papa ji left for their work. This routine had washed me away, wiped out, full of confusions, questions rising in head; why did I get married? Why is everything so rigid and confusing? Why I had to leave my parents alone even though I was their only child? I became so nervy and jittery. Losing control over my consciousness, fading things passing one after the other in head.

My body would be full of spasms, pain in my stomach, back and again during night time I had to play the leading wife role to my husband. 

Every morning would be a question mark with full of confusions. I could hear babble in my head as though they were thirty people sitting in crowded room, yelling their heads off; some giving me instructions:don't do this, do that, do it in this way. Others telling me I am no good at anything. But I couldn't tell any of these things to my parents. Even if I would express, like what would I tell them? I wanted this world and now suddenly I am feeling I am in a world where I don't know who I am. Is this what that should be portrayed to my dear ones? 

 

I wanted to end this wavering in my mind for a matter which was causing doubts and immense aggression inside me. I wanted to conclude and so decided to face her.

Today I really woke up early around 6:00 am which I never did till date. I went down saw her waiting for me in the kitchen. She instructed me to make chapatis for breakfast. I never prepared a dough my whole life and I had to do it today. 

She asked me to take 3 cups of atta and mix with water. I was surprised I prepared a dough myself. 

She came close to me and shouted: 'What do you think you have made? Why did you pour so much of water in it? You should have told me you don't know a thing about this. Now put some more atta in it and mix it little tight.'  I said defensively: 'I don't know how to do it you do it and I will roll it on board.'  

She was surprised actually by listening to my hard and harsh voice. She took it from my hand and prepared nice soft dough. 

I started rolling them on board and here we go, she again starts taunting me, 'What do you think you are making? A heart shaped chapati will be nice for your husband but not for my husband. Even small school going girl can bring nice circle shape to it.' 

I was done, voices started murmuring inside my head, I couldn't control them, I was getting irritated with her voice. She shook me hard and was trying to take the roller from my hand.

 Involuntarily I didn't know what I was going to do, it was like clenching in my diaphragm, like a stab into my stomach, a scorpion stinging into my skin, back up into my shoulders. 

I just pushed her so hard with the same roller. I shouted 'I will make chapati's for my husband and you do it for yours.'

I became mad, my reactions were not in my control. I started feeling pit inside my stomach. My fists were getting curled up as if I was getting ready to fight. My world suddenly turned green and yellow. My aggression, my irritation was at peak level.  Seeing this Raj quickly grabbed me and took inside the room. 

For two consecutive days I did not come down, I was low, It was really happening inside me. It is really difficult to come out of yourself and watch yourself thrash about like that.  

But I never knew my reaction would leave mummy ji in a situation that could never be explained. When stepped down after two days, there was huge silence in the house. Mummy ji didn't look at my face also. Papa ji was left in despair. But here my wall, my north star, hugged me so tightly in front of his parents and said: 'I am sorry for all that happened. You can do and be like whatever you want.'

I bet this was the most horrible scene mummy ji might have experienced. I felt I regained my consciousness.  But after this there was change in my routine, I did all the household work accordingly time to time and mummy ji never uttered a word. 

 

It was Sunday and heavily raining, Raj was also sleeping after heavy-duty week. I suddenly woke up from my sleep remembering the clothes that I hanged to dry them on terrace yesterday. 

It was past 7:00 am and mummy ji wasn't there in the kitchen. My gut feeling sensed something has gone wrong. I sneaked into her room and checked her in she was in deep sleep with no diaphragmatic movements. I realized she was no more.

 Though I gained my consciousness but my conscience didn't realize the silence that I brought in this home.

I realized my anger, my irritation, my intolerant behavior, I muttered;

It was like an environmental calamity,

causing huge damage to sanity,

you want to make it a better reality

but is there any possibility? 

Raj and Papa ji went silent too, They didn't give any reaction after this. Deep down I was feeling guilty, regretting my actions. But time does change things, I suddenly felt responsible I was no longer dancing to my tunes. 

But my confused and questioning mind didn't stop after. 

What if Raj came after me and lived with my parents, would any of this happen? Who made this as a custom going to in-laws? My parents are alone too, why won't they accompany after the marriage?

What if Raj hugged me and showed love in front of  his parents before hand, would any of this happen?

What if Raj's brother stayed along and showed his love and presence to his mother, would any of this happen?

Was it my parents fault to bring me up like this? I bet every single girl would be brought up like a child forever. 

After 2 years now when my son is taunting me about my chapatis, my instincts run deep under my veins and reminds my of my boss lady, my mother-in-law who taught me everything who stood like a pillar, like a coach. 'Had she been here with me, my chapati's wouldn't have been so hard.' 

No matter how good chapati's I make further, she will surely be inked in my heart forever for making the lady that I am today. And desperately and definitely will try to escape from this my whole life.